New Explorations of Old Feelings

Thus it is spring break 2010. It's official, I definitely am less than apt at maintaining anything like a journal or something of that nature that requires frequent attention. Perhaps, who knows, I may become better at maintaining this overtime. It has been over a year since last I posted on this and I am beginning to question why I named this blog what i did. I've decided it needs a new name, being as "the moral imperative" sounds like some pretentious scholarly publication, but, I have yet to decide what it should be, so, we'll have to stick with this for now.

Let's be honest, practicality has never been my strong suite. Nor do I believe it ever will be. It seems as if that side of me is far outweighed by the idealistic side. I can't say it surprises me to come to this conclusion. I'm a worrier, what can I say. Some people write books. Some people compose beautiful symphonies. I worry. I know worrying doesn't get you anywhere at the end of the day, never has, never will, and that there is a fine line between caring and worrying, but honestly, I'm more often on the worrying side. I wish I knew why. I suppose it may just be an inexplicable part of me. Or maybe it's something I just need to get over. In either case, throughout my worrying, I've come to several conclusions: 1.) worrying doesn't do a single thing to make my life better, if anything it shortens it 2.) rarely do I worry about things that really have any valid reason to be worried about at the time I worry about them 3.) worrying is like a snowball rolling down and hill, it gets bigger and bigger and bigger, and it's not gonna stop rolling 'til someone stops it, and 4.) despite facts one through three, I doubt I'll ever stop worrying. The subjects may change as the time changes, but there'll always be some small grain of worry floating around. There's one heck of a life constant for you, worry.

As of late, I've been worrying about me in relation to other people, I know, shocker there. Big topic too. I find myself often worrying about whether people like me, or if they approve of me, or if they care about me. Granted, I know that the vast majority of people my age worry about the exact same things, getting approval and such. I feel like some days that I just want to be important to people. You know, it's that feeling that is opposite of that feeling of getting picked last on some sports team. I think part of the problem isn't that I'm not important, it's that I don't always feel important. A big distinction. There's a rather large difference between what I intellectually know, and what I feel. I think the intellectual side should win. Who gets to decide who wins on a daily basis? I have no idea

Don't get me wrong, there are lots of what could be considered good things happening to me as well. It's just not always the easiest task in the world to decide to focus on them. Needless to say, thought and execution are less than closely related. I think I have a decide idea of what I'm going to do with my future. Hopefully. I wonder sometimes if I'm making the right choices, if I'll ultimately be happy, you know, big cosmic-universe stuff. I suppose only time will tell. College...I think I've got that one as sorted out as possible for the time being. The whole idea of college still turns my stomach though. I guess we'll see how that one goes. As far as people in my life go, I really couldn't ask for better friends really. I think it may be a good sign when you start to wonder if you really deserve the people in your life that you have. Or it's just bad self-esteem. Could really go either way. But, yeah, I think the only issue in my life is me. Ironic, isn't it? I'll come around eventually, I know it. I'll catch on one of these days. 'Til then, I'll just take it one day at a time. I don't have anything to complain about really deep down, I really am ok, and even if on the rare occasion I'm not, does it really matter the next day? Nope. Let's remember that and keep the positiveness going. Just getting if off your mind is half the battle, right? I declare this a victory in that case!

Enjoy the music of the day: